Category Archives: Fantasy Football

dos marco fantasy football: update

by Mike Whitaker, Nationwide Marketing Group

A quarter of the season is in the book, gentlemen, and there’s excitement, triumph and wretched disappointment are all around.

Before we dive into the commentary, let’s talk winners and losers.  When we talk winners, there can only be one.  One league that is simply dominating the other.  One league, where even though the host himself is in dead, defeated, pitiful, rock-bottom last, everyone is a winner.  That league, ladies and gentlemen, is Dos Quinn. 

To date, the Doe Quinners have scored a total of 5,659.4 fantasy points.  The Dos Kinsleys are losers.  Let that be stated.  Not big losers, but still losers.  Close doesn’t count here.  It’s not horseshoes, and it isn’t hand grenades.  (Not that they could score more points armed with both.)  However, they’re weighing in at the quarter pole with 5,572.25 points.  It’s not a respectable second place.  There is no respect for second place.  Especially since second place around here is also last place.  It is written, and I have spoken.

Now, let’s celebrate the individual winners and shame those who can’t seem to get it together. 

In all of the Dos Marcos universe, there is but three undefeated teams at this point in the season.  They are Brandon (I like to party), (KT Limpers) and Greg (Hokie Pride).  These folks are just ON.  Dominating.  Steamrolling.  Amazing.  They are to be admired, respected, and showered with adulation.  And (hopefully) beaten to a pulp soon.  By somebody.  Probably not either Mark, but that’s another story, and we’ll wait for the shame discussion for that.

Our top point getter in the Dos Kinsley league so far is  and KT Limpers with 625.8.  Dos Quinn’s top scoring team is Brandon, and he really likes to party.  I know because he announced it on the PA system at PrimeTime.  And then he named his team the same.

Let’s talk losers, shall we?  Surprisingly, we have to start with Trent Bedding.  I want to clearly state here, and for the record, this team is managed by Lil’ Trent.  There’s no way a Hilltopper like Trent Ramburger could get this far in the season and not have won a single game.  This is all Lil’ Trent.  He’s good on TV, he’s abysmal at fantasy football.  He knows a lot about mattresses, but barely enough to string along a full roster in fantasy.  We love him anyway.  He’s like a twisted, insane and yet loveable little version of Trent.  So he stays around, even if he never manages a win, and that’s looking really likely.

Now, we shift to the losers.  I mean the hosts of the Galaxy’s Greatest Mattress Podcast.  1-3.  Both of you.  One and three.  That’s one measly win, three humiliating, ugly losses.  And we’ll go a step further.  Kinsley, in some unexplainable twist of fate, has actually scored 524 points.  Not good enough to win more than one single, lone game, but middle of the pack in the Dos Marcos fantasy land. 

Then, there’s my boy Quinn.  For all his dashing good looks, articulate speech patterns, and ability to will Tiger Woods to the 2019 Masters crown with nothing more than an intense stare, an encouraging shout, and a perfectly timed fart that shifted the wind and rendered a birdie on Sunday’s #15, this guy just sucks at fantasy football.  I mean sucks like a black hole, off in outer space, just pulling in whatever floats by and crushing the living soul from it. 

Are you wondering who has the lowest four week point total across both leagues?  Chad Fischer?  Maybe Jeff Rose and Lady Glitter Sparkles?  Nope.  Mark Quinn and the Ankle Breakers.  I’m wondering if he realizes that ankle breaking is something you’re supposed to do to the other team?  Is it possible he literally broke his own fantasy ankles? 

Let’s ponder a few more appropriate team names, shall we?  Maybe the Arkansas Dustpans?  Perhaps the Justin Bieber Fan Club?  How about the Johnny Manziel’s?  Could they be the WalMart Wonders?  Just sayin’.  It’s gotten bad.  He’s scored a mere 452 points.  For reference, Lil Trent has scored 545.  Um, Quinn, you’ve been outscored by 100 points by a puppet that hasn’t won a game.  Shame.  Rancid Shame. 

So, let’s wrap up.  I need to wash my hands.  I’m afraid Quinn’s team rubbed off on them.  Much love, and until next time, would somebody get Lil Trent a cupcake?  Or at least let him play Quinn so he can notch a win?